The Inner Child
What Inner Child Therapy is not
Who or what is the inner child
Sarah's Story
Andrew's Story
Wilma's Story
How do I heal my inner child
Who can benefit from Inner Child Therapy
What Inner Child Therapy is not
Some people go to therapy because they need advice and others do not want therapy because they do not want someone else to give them advice.
When we have a problem everyone usually has something to say, some advice to give. Sometimes you can get lost between all the voices that are advising you.
Inner Child Therapy is not about the therapist giving you advice out of a position of "I know better." The best advice and wisdom are already inside of you, just waiting to be discovered. You and your circumstances are your own best teacher. This teacher just has to be assisted in discovering him/herself.
Who or what is the inner child
The inner child is the little boy or girl you were up to the age of six years old. This child is still a part of your soul and is called your inner child. Since many years have gone by since you were little, you may have forgotten about this little one you were.
The little kid you were experienced much joy but, as little kids do, sometimes also heartache and fear.
All the behavior patterns, thoughts and emotional responses you had as a child were engraved into your soul. This is the time your "inner computer" was "programmed".
Behavior you now have as an adult was already learnt before the age of six years old. The thoughts you are having now are the same thoughts you were having as a small child. This is the inner child within you thinking them. You may have wondered about your emotional responses. Yes, they are also the emotions of the inner child deep within your heart. Sometimes we as adults experience intense emotions as a result of something insignificant that happened. When this happens you can be sure that the emotion is due to the inner child who may have had a bad experience years ago. With the emotion you are experiencing, your inner child is crying out for you to notice it and bring healing.
When closely looked at even our experiences as adults are an exact repeat of things (good or bad) that happened to us when we were little. And they keep repeating until the inner child is healed.
Sarah's Story
Sarah is in her mid thirties. She works as the manager of a guest house. Recently, however, she got fed up with her life.
"I am tired of trying to please everyone and never being good enough", she says about her
work. "It does not matter what is on the menu, there is always someone complaining that
the food is bad. It does not matter how clean the rooms are, there is always someone
complaining about it. It does not matter how beautiful the guest house is, someone is
always staring and making me feel that the place is inferior"."And, worst of all, this also happens with my boyfriends. No matter how friendly I am, they always have something negative to say. No matter how hard I try to be a good partner, they always tell me I have to try harder. I am so tired of this! I'm tired of never feeling good enough!"
Sarah developed a depressed mood because of all these things happening in her life. She decided to start therapy to help her feel beter.
Sarah started with Inner Child Work and soon discovered that this uneasiness she was experiencing in her life started a long time ago. The first time she experienced this was when she was just 3 years old. She tried to pour a glass of milk and spilt some on the kitchen table. Her mother, who was an extremely neat person, became angry. She shouted at Sarah to clean up. In her heart Sarah decided that she was not good enough and what she did was not good enough. She made this decision based on her mother's anger. She did not have the understanding that a 3 year old child makes a mess and that it is completely normal. From that day on the pattern repeated. Sarah could recall going to school and bringing her report card home. "It was never good enough. If I got 60%, they bribed me to get 70%. When I got 70%, I had to work for 80%." This was just a confirmation for a little girl that "I am never good enough, it doesn't matter how hard I try."
So these words became a script for her and subconsciously she followed it. Most of her experiences turned out like this - until her inner child was healed.
During therapy Sarah went back to the day she spilt the milk as a 3 year old. She could finally cry all the tears the little inner child had to cry. She could express all the emotions that were stored in her little body. All the grief was shed and only after that she could connect to the beautiful little girl she actually was. But most of all she could make a new decision for this little girl. "I am good enough, I am more than good enough."
Sarah's world started to change. Suddenly people visiting the guest house could not thank her enough for all she did. Her relationships turned into loving ones where she was appreciated for who she was and all her efforts.
Sarah's experiences before she started therapy were not God's way of punishing her for something. The experiences and her frustration with it was meant as a clue to her to find the inner child in her and to heal the pain that was in her heart for so long. Within her life's frustration was hidden a gift from God.
As God always gives us a choice, He never once forced Sarah to go for healing or therapy. It was her choice. Looking back, Sarah is relieved and proud. "I did myself the favor of going on a journey within myself."
Andrew's Story
Andrew lived a not-so peaceful life. He was successful at his accountant job and enjoyed it. Things at home were less successful. Although he had a beautiful wife, the relationship did not seem to satisfy him at all. Even before Andrew and Wilma got married, he had several other girlfriends. Wilma did not know about these relationships at the beginning and it took her a while to find out. She was furious and felt cheated. During their marriage of 30 years, she endured a lot of emotional and physical abuse. When she found out about her husband's affairs, she realized that all her endurance was maybe not worth the effort. But something kept her with Andrew. Reluctantly they started therapy to see if they could save their marriage.
Andrew was the one less likely to continue with therapy. He kept saying that it is natural for a man to want many girlfriends. In talking with Andrew, however, it soon became clear that these affairs he had were all about sex.
He had many girlfriends and had sex with more than one of them each day. At first he said this was his wife's fault because she would not have sex with him that often. When things changed and Wilma wanted to have sex, Andrew pushed her away and acknowledged that having many women was a natural "taste" for him.
Although not seeing the need, Andrew started to find his inner child and realized when the first time this pattern of wanting a woman started. It was an uncontrollable urge and "hunger" for him.
Andrew quickly got in touch with his inner child. Tears ran down his cheeks as he began to talk. "I was just born. I am so tiny. Mommy looks at me with disappointment. She does not want me." The hurt for Andrew is so intense that he cannot breath. Andrew goes forward in time to the first time he had sex. He was 17 and the girl was a neighbor's daughter. The feeling with her was very intense and pleasurable. Andrew describes how wanted and loved how it felt. It was the first time in his life that he felt this love and, most of all, he could experience how much this wanted him.
The connection was immediately made in his young mind. "When I have sex, the girl wants me. When I have sex, I am wanted and loved."
Although Andrew did not realize this when he was having the affairs, all his lonely and rejected inner child really wanted was to be loved and wanted.
Andrew continued therapy and healed the little child within him that needed so much to be wanted. The girlfriends disappeared and, for the first time, Andrew could concentrate on the relationship with his wife.
Wilma's Story
While listening to Wilma's story it all started to make sense. The thing that made Wilma
so furious was that she felt cheated. She could not trust her husband and endured too much
to make the relationship and all the hurt worthwhile. Wilma started Inner Child Work and
found the inner piece of herself; the inner child with which all this started in her life.
When she connected to her inner child during her session, Wilma started to cry
uncontrollably.Wilma: "I am a small fetus. My body is so tiny. I feel my mommy around me, but I feel so sad..."
Therapist: Feel where the sadness comes from."
Wilma: "It's mommy and daddy. Daddy has another girlfriend and he wants to leave mommy. He yells at her and I can feel how he knocks her down. No, no, this can't be happening!"
Therapist: "Tell me your thoughts."
Wilma: "I feel so cheated. My daddy does not care about me. There is someone more important. A girlfriend. I am cheated out of love."
This "being cheated out of love" was engraved into Wilma's soul. When marrying, God gave her a partner that fitted her soul's "programming"; someone to cheat on her. This was not done to punish her, it was done to heal her soul. Fortunately Wilma had the courage to work through her emotional pain. She released all the pain she had even before her birth and made a new decision. "I deserve love and I deserve to feel safe when receiving it."
With continuous therapy things started to change for Wilma.
Finding out why we do certain things, why we react in certain ways and why we think certain things is a crucial part of having a fulfilling life.
To consciously stop doing the things we do, feel the feelings we feel or think the thoughts we think, may be possible. To find the inner child who have started it all is much easier and change seems to happen easily and with not that much effort.
Look past the painful experience you are having, the hurtful relationship or the person that irritates you the most. Look deeper and find your inner child. In finding this inner child and healing him/her, you will find a wonderful gift for your life - whatever that is for you. Change your world by going on the journey inside; the journey into yourself.
Releasing all the old pain which is still inside you, makes way for new experiences, relationships and a whole new life - if you want it.
How do I heal my inner child
You will be the one healing your inner child as no-one can do this work for you.
I do not recommend you try to do this work on your own. Most of the time we cannot remember our childhood pain, so in finding it you will need some support; someone who knows the process and who will help you to clear all the negative emotions.
Who can benefit from Inner Child Therapy
Anyone can benefit from Inner Child Therapy, but in the following cases it is advised and recommended:
Persons with the following:
- Unsatisfactory relationships
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Phobias
- Panic Attacks
- Co-Dependency and unhealthy relationships
- Low self-esteem
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Alcohol/drug addiction
- Smoking
- Sexual addiction
- Sexual dysfunction
- Stress-related symptoms
Although you may be thinking - looking through the adult eyes you have now - that the negative experiences of your childhood were not that bad, the following experiences had an influence on your life up to this very day:
- Divorce of parents
- Sexual abuse
- Physical abuse
- Emotional abuse
- Being involved with Satanism, occult and rituals
- Growing up in a children's home
- Parents with mental problems
- Loss of a loved one (friend/family/pet/home)
- Growing up with a caregiver with alcohol or drug addictions
- Being bullied at school or home
- Being shamed at school
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